Hopefully Time Will Heal

Part of the problem with the excitement of having your first little bundle of joy is the problem of not being able to keep it in. You want to tell everyone the minute you find out. You wait a few weeks, you have a couple doctor's appointments that go really well and you explode with the joy of telling people your first baby is on the way. You never ever dream that you will then be telling those same people that you've lost your baby. Praying they understand, hoping they don't blame you, worrying about how family and friends will take the news. Most of all you worry about how you will find the strength to tell them. Rather than having several awkward moments weeks down the road as people ask "how's the baby" I know I have to do this. All the strength I have right now is to tell you all that Justin and I have an angel in heaven now. We went in on Wednesday Oct 19th. Our baby would have been exactly 11 weeks on that day if it had continued to grow. We ask for prayers to heal and get through this difficult time. I'm confident that we'll heal and try for another baby one day but I don't think that will ever take away the pain of this moment.

Pregnancy Meltdowns - Wine and Hamburger Buns

If you’ve been pregnant, known someone who was pregnant, or have seen a movie or two with a pregnant woman in it, you are well aware of a magical thing called pregnancy hormones. All of the girls out there can relate on some occasion due to hormones that are also naturally occurring at that special time of the month. So take the way you feel when Aunt Flo is about to visit and multiply that by oh let’s be conservative and say…. One thousand. I experienced my first real hormonal breakdown just last weekend. Two of them actually, we’ll call these wine and hamburger buns.

Saturday, what started out as a beautiful day soon got ugly. I was seemingly normal, I got up went to work out with my friend Billi, cleaned the house a bit, and did some shopping. I’d signed up for a 5k prior to getting pregnant called Wine at the Line. I was super excited about it because it was at my favorite winery and I thought what better way to end a run but with a glass of wine! Well then I got pregnant and I’m pretty sure Jellybean is not a huge fan of wine yet nor would he/she be happy with me if I indulged in a glass. So I knew that I wouldn’t be enjoying any wine at the finish line but I was still excited. I’d plan to run with a friend but she couldn’t attend so I asked my Dad and my hubby. Neither of them could run it with me. Ok fine, not a big deal right? So Justin and I drove out there to at least pick up my shirt since I’d already paid for my registration. Did I mention what a gorgeous day it was? Oh yeah so we walk over to the tent and I see bananas…and start to get sad. I don’t know what it was about those bananas that really set it all in to motion. I pick up my shirt pouting the entire time. I say to Justin “look there’s even snacks” with a pathetic look on my face. I pout all the way back to the car, upset that suddenly I “have no friends” which is the assumption I make because no one wants to run with me. (Yes a mild over reaction). So as we pull out of the winery the water works flow. I’m seriously embarrassed by this so I put my sunglasses on so Justin won’t notice. I’m not even sure why I’m crying at this point. Justin being the good husband that he is, asks “what’s wrong hunny”. Clearly I’m not stable as I suck wind and sniffle as I sob. I think it went something like this:

“I just wanted to run…nobody wanted to run with me…I hate being pregnant….it’s not fair….I don’t get to do ANYTHING….no running ….no WINE…..I don’t get to do ANYTHING….this sucks….I can’t even have soft serve icecream…..I feel fat…..my face is ugly….I thought you got pretty hair when you were pregnant….(insert uncontrollable tears now) …..I DIDN’T EVEN GET THE PRETTY HAIR!”

At this point my poor unsuspecting husband starts laughing! So I cry harder because he’s laughing at me! Eventually I too saw the humor in it but geesh I thought those tears were going to go on forever. Really, I don’t hate being pregnant. Yes sometimes it feels like you are limited when there are all these rules about what you can't do, what you can't eat or drink, how you are supposed to sleep, or workout, etc but it will all be worth it in the long run. I’m sure of it.

So the very next day we run into a very similar scenario. I ask Justin to grab hamburger buns while he's out. When he returns with no hamburger buns I get upset because darn it I wanted to put pickles on my barbecue chicken sandwich! He really thinks this is not a big deal. I did mention we had no buns and we could eat the chicken on a plate with a fork. Here's the thing...when you start thinking about something while pregnant you just don't let it go. So this idea of pickles on a BUN with chicken was just not going to go away. Of course I cried and my wonderful husband went back out and bought buns. This one really confirmed my nuttiness. By the way, that sandwich was delicious.

The question of the hour “how are you feeling?”

This is usually the first question I get after we tell people. Well the good news is I feel GREAT! Ok maybe not great ALL of the time but the first couple weeks I felt better than ever. Recently, I have more symptoms. I get tired just standing to do dishes at times, I get waves of nausea mixed with periods of insane hunger, I have a headache here and there from the lack of caffeine my normal high strung body is used to, and I cry at odd moments like oh I don’t know, a Chevy commercial. Really though that commercial is a sad one so don’t judge. It’s the one with the guy who has the little old white truck he wants fixed and he has a picture of himself and his Grandpa standing in front of it so he’s willing to pay any amount of money to get it fixed. Tear jerker, No? Other than the random emotional roller coaster and the urge to puke daily or eat chicken nuggets dipped in nacho cheese (yes that was a craving and I totally stopped myself!) I feel almost normal. Some days I think, is there really a tiny person in there with a heart, fingers, toes, a brain and spinal cord? It just seems nuts because I look so normal on the outside! But as the pee sticks will show, yes I’m still pregnant. Every once in awhile I take another test just to make sure.

Changing Doctors

It may sound silly of me but I changed my doctor because I felt she was a little too “old school” for my taste. I like her, I do but I just don’t agree with some of her recommendations. The things that bothered me really were trivial, such as the fact that she said flat out NO running, after I had researched exercising while pregnant and read a crap ton of books already on the subject. There were guidelines passed in 1985 by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) that stated a pregnant woman should not exceed a maximum heart rate of 140bpm. That was later revised in 1994 along with other guidelines that offered a little more flexibility in pregnancy. No one woman’s body is the same and the ACOG realized this which is what prompted the revised guidelines. Anyway, my other doctor was strictly following the 1985 guidelines rather than the 1994 revised version. She also told me no chiropractor but I’d read it was perfectly fine and actually helped ease some of the pains of pregnancy. I also talked to my chiropractor who is recommended by several OBs and he said it was completely safe. So I called around and found a doctor with a more modern approach to prenatal care. I’m glad I did because if I already disagreed with the other doctor at this point, who knows how I would have felt towards the end.

First Appointment

Our first appointment was Sept. 21st. Nothing too exciting happens in this appointment if you are healthy and don’t have any history of problems with pregnancy. You do the basic questionnaire, exam, blood work, etc. Justin came along for moral support although I think he was bored to tears. For him it still seems a little unreal. He doesn’t have the symptoms I have to let him know there is really something happening in there. Even though the OB appointment made it a little more real to me I don’t think either of us will really have it hit home until we hear Jellybean’s heartbeat. They agreed that my estimated due date was May 9th (but I knew this already because I’m a control freak). She said baby was measuring just right at 7 weeks during this visit. So May 9th it is! It will be a very very busy month for us!

Giving Family the news

So I’d finally told Justin after waiting for what seemed like hours for him to come home from work. After we had dinner I just had to tell my parents. If I waited even one more day I might go crazy and not be able to tell them the way I had planned. So we headed off to the store to buy the supplies. We picked up two “I love my Grandma” bibs (one for my mom and one for his) and a package of newborn diapers. As it turns out Greg, my dad has never ever changed a diaper so we were going to try to send him the message that diaper changes are coming in his future. We wrapped everything up, I put the test in my mom’s bag (yes the pee stick, but don’t worry the fancy ones have caps) and we headed over. I had a good cover story for stopping by unexpectedly at 9:00 at night. I’d made some cookies for my dad’s birthday and wanted to bring them over.

They open their gifts and the first thing my dad says is “are these diapers because I’m OLD?!” but he quickly realized that was not the case as my mom started shrieking “ARE YOU?!”. We got all of this on tape mind you and we still watch it and laugh our butts off. I say to my mom, well read the test! So again with the shrieking, “where are my glasses, where are my glasses” as if it would have said anything other than pregnant at that point. My mom really had no clue it was coming which is what made it so great.

Wednesday Oct 31st

Shortly after we told my parents we told Justin’s Mom and Stepdad. We asked them out to dinner and hid the gifts under the table so they wouldn’t suspect anything. They are big colts fans so for his stepdad we bought tiny little baby colts hats. We gave his mom one of the bibs that said “I love my Grandma” as well. They were pretty excited and Justin and Gary promptly started talking about building a dirt bike track out at their house. At this point baby was the size of a poppy seed so I don’t think they were getting ahead of themselves at all. I mean time flies you know, one second it’s a poppy seed, the next their borrowing your car keys.

Justin’s Dad and Stepmom

Things worked out pretty well since Justin’s dad was coming to visit the last weekend in August. We bought a little yellow onesie that said “Are these really my relatives?”. The funniest part was that when he opened it he thought it was an outfit for their little dog Sami. Then he realized that it had buttons where the dog’s butt would go. I said “you know what that means riiigggghhhttt??” I think a light bulb went on at that moment because his face lit up and he was super happy for us. We were sad that we couldn’t tell Cathy in person but he promised to call us the next day and give her the gift so we could hear her reaction when she opened it. She immediately teared up which we knew meant that she was really excited too!

Since this will be grandbaby #1 for Justin’s parents and grandbaby almost #1 for mine (I’ll explain in a moment) both families were pretty much ecstatic with the news. The exciting part of this being “almost grandbaby #1” for my family is that my brother and his wife are expecting a baby too! She is only 1 month ahead of us so there will be TWO babies in the family within a very short time frame.

Here comes baby!

It’s official, Justin and I are going from 2 to 3. Yep that’s right, currently I am growing a tiny little human. Crazy isn’t it? Before anyone asks that evil (and RUDE) question “Was it planned?” YES it was and we couldn’t be more excited. I’d always known I wanted to be married at least a year before bringing kids into the mix so our time couldn’t be more perfect. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary with positive pee sticks! Haha. Actually we found out shortly before our anniversary but it was quite the anniversary gift for both of us.



I was thinking a June baby would be just about perfect but God decided maybe May would be a better plan. I just hope he doesn’t let me go into labor during my final exams at school! So I need to catch you all up on the happenings of the last several weeks since we’ve been sitting on this for a little while. Almost all of our close friends and family know by now but we weren’t really ready to make it completely public until we were almost out of the worrisome first trimester. Also I waited a bit to tell my boss just so I knew everything looked good and healthy. Anything can happen in those delicate first few months so we wanted to keep it a secret for as long as we could stand it. For those of you who know how much I like to talk, that’s been SUPER tough for me. I just want to talk about babies non-stop. I want to look at cute baby clothes and daydream about baby nurseries! We've had two appointments so far and both went very well. I'm on track so far for a May 9th due date.



So here is how it went down :






“Pee Sticks” gross Justin out and he’d rather me call them pregnancy tests but I like to torment him (because I love him so dearly), so we will refer to them as Pee Sticks going forward.



August 28th Stick #1



Sunday morning, Moto GP weekend. I take a test and there is the faintest of lines in the test area. Not so faint that I had to peel the sucker apart, place it under a black light, or alter the image of the photo to see the line, but a LINE I can SEE. Me being me, I thought oh it’s so faint, I’m not going to get myself all excited just yet. I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon so I was still sort of in shock at this point. So off we go to the races, I never say a single word to Justin the entire day (it’s killing me).



August 29th Sticks #2-5 or more



If you’ve ever done this before you know that sometimes you can’t just stop at one. In disbelief you just keep buying sticks or using the stash of 30 (yep I stocked up) you have under the sink. Knowing that Justin would have no idea what 2 lines instead of one meant on my cheapie tests I went to get the REAL DEAL, the digital ones that say PREGNANT.











There’s really no mistaking that. There’s no shade of a line you have to decipher it just hits you right in the face. BAM, PREGNANT! Then you’re like holy crap I’m pregnant.



August 28th Roughly 6pm



So after I confirmed with the digital, I got my plan together to tell Justin. I’d been planning how to tell him from the moment we started trying. I wanted to make it really special. So I decided to re-create his proposal. I typed out a little message that said “Will you be my baby daddy”, because he giggles when I say baby daddy, and on the back I put “We’re due in May!”. I rolled it up like a ring and placed it in the box that my engagement ring came in.











I put it in the refrigerator…..quick refresher for those of you who’ve forgotten the proposal story….Justin has romantic idea to put ring on candle in hot tub. Ring sinks. Justin panics. Justin puts ring in refrigerator. Justin asks me to get him a beer…… that’s how it happened. Anyway, I strategically place the ring in FULL view in the refrigerator. Who misses it? He does. Already chock-full of pregnancy hormones I’m not really sure whether to be upset or angry. So I take the box to him and let him open it. When he reads it all that can come out of his mouth is “Are you serious?!” “Is this for real?” “Am I being punked?”. So I show him the digital test, the obvious test. I’m still wondering to this day if he believes me haha.